im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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