You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
