3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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