Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
