Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
