I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
