Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
