mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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