When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
