i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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