is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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