I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
