I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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