And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
