I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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