It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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