Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
