I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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