why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
