If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
