Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He passed out mid-signature
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
