I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
