dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
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Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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