I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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