How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
