dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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