I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
