So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
