somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
