I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
