Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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