How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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