If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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