I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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