I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
