If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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