It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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