Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
