I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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