On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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