Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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