dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
