mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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