I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
