my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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