I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
