meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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