You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
