So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
