my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize