Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
