I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
