im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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