I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He better not be in your backpack
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
