he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
