the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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