I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
