So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
