Umm I'm too high to move.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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