So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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