I need to stop coming to work sober
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
